Another Bad Drinking Story!!!

My buddy Mark reminded me of another great story last night while we were building my PC. So I shall tell that one now. This will be kind of long, as there is alot of history and little bits that need to be told to really understand it all.
Without Spilling a Drop

There is a local brewery here in Boston, Harpoon Brewery. They make some fantastic beers. They also have 3 (used to be 4) large 2-day events at the brewery. They set up a huge outdoor tent with a stage for bands, huge fenced-in area behind the brewery with food, games, another stage for bands, etc. Huge events. And I do my damnest to never miss them. I've had to miss a few recently, and always because of Hayley. (Just another way she's subtly trying to change me...but I digress). They are always a great time, and you always leave with great stories. Plus, we are positive they spike the beers. You get drunk much faster there than anywhere else. So they have to be doing something.
So there it is, December of 2003. We've got a good crew going to Harpoon, with expectations of meeting up with another group. The key people in our circle are Mark, myself, Hayley, and Mark's friend Kevin "Donkey Kong" O'Brien. Add in a few extras, and we've got a good 6-8 people with us. The plan is to meet up with Hayley's friend from work, Kristen, and her peeps. Kristin and I are good friends. We get along great. And one of our little things is our pretend flirting. It's pretend, because we're both in happy relationships and Hayley is typically there while we do it. Along with Kristen is her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend. But not Kristen's boyfriend.
(I know, this is boring, but necessary).
The key side-plot is thus: Kristen had lunch with an ex-boyfriend that week. Her current boyfriend, not a big fan of that. So the 2 of them are not doing really well at this point. Tentions are high. Her roommate's boyfriend is friends with Kristen's boyfriend. And is apparently playing the roll of protective hommie. This guy will be referred to as Jocko MeatHead from now on. To explain....
Jocko MeatHead refers to any one of those guys we all know from high school. The jocks that really only had sports going for them, and their lives went nowhere after high school. But they obviously still work out an awful lot and love to show it off. Tight shirts, open shirts, walking around with a strut. And they are still the same cocky jerks they always were. Most also like to get into bar fights to prove how manly and tough they are. Essentially, guys that need to get a clue and grow up a little bit. And lay off the 'roids.

So there we all are at Harpoon. Drinking and having a merry time. I'm in prime form after a few drinks and am pretty much Capt. Social. Working the 2 groups, having a blast. And of course there is the occational play-flirting with Kristen. Putting an arm around her waist if I'm standing next to her, lewd and/or suggestive comments, etc. All in good fun. But apparently Jocko MeatHead doesn't like this. He needs to step in and stick up for his boy! So towards the end of the night he makes his move. I'm back from the beer counter with a fresh pint. I stop by Kristen's circle on the way back to chat. Throw an arm around Kristen's shoulders as I always do. Jocko, comes over and pushes my arm off of her. Telling me "you don't want to do that, man." I'm sure he's just kidding around and all, so I laugh and put it right back. And he knocks it off again, a little more threateningly. So, in my current drunken state, and given the fact that I'm NOT a meathead, I have no idea what is really happening. I'm 100% sure that he's just playing around. A little fake macho thing to see who'll crack first. So I start talking a little shit, trying to get him to finally laugh so we can go back to being normal again. Not working. Hmmm...he's a tough one. I'm laughing my ass off, but still determined to get him to crack. So more shit gets talked. Still nothing. Man, this guy is good!
Donkey Kong is watching this entire exchange knowing full well what's happening. And laughing about it. And waiting for that pivotal moment when it all goes too far....
So, I'm running out of material and losing interest in this thing. The fake macho is only funny for so long, then it's just annoying. So it was time to end it. I look over at my pint glass, full to the rim with beer, gather my composure, and say in a perfectly serious manner:
"Yeah? I could go outside, take care of you, and not spill a drop of this beer."
The worlds had barely left my mouth when suddenly Kevin was between us. "Dude, he's not kidding around about this. I know you are, but he's not". The smile slowly leaves my face as I begin to understand. He's not being fake macho, he's being real macho. This guy in his tight t-shirt, about 5 ft tall and 5ft wide, was actually trying to start shit with me. Which would be easy for him, as I'm drunk enough that a gentle push would knock me over. But now I'm angry that a damn Jocko MeatHead is here and ruining my fun. He has no idea what Kristen and I's friendship is like. None. And I just don't like those guys to start with. He's pissed that some drunk asshole was flirting with his buddy's girl and then totally calling him out. I'm pulled back to our circle, he's pulled back to his. Hayley gets to play mediator and find out what's going on. I'm settled after about 3 minutes and am ready to go back to normal, like it didn't happen at all. But he's not. So now, the groups have to remain seperate all because of one macho asshole that needs to get a life.
That pretty much killed the buzz for their group, but only dented ours. And we drank that dent out pretty quickly. And then we had the ultimate revenge that none of us are MeatHeads. That's reward enough.
Thus ends the very famous..."I could take care of you and not spill a drop of this beer" encounter.

In closing, I'd like to encourage our younger reads to avoid alcohol. I know my last 2 stories involved heavy drinking and may have been funny. But if you think about it, both could have ended really poorly. With 2 brawls and possibly a shooting. And there is nothing funny about that. So stay away from the sauce, kids. If you need more reasons, just keep reading. I'll eventually tell more stories of the terrible (and funny) things that happen to drunk people.

PEACE!!!