This was originally going to be more of a play-by-play account, but then I realized how horribly boring that would be to read. Which I’m sure people can imagine. So I’m cutting this down to just important comments and witty banter.

Top 1^st

Coco Crisp: An important part of a healthy line-up. Just match him up with some toast and OJ and you’re all set. I’m sure people have been working that joke over all season, but yet I still feel the need to do it again.

Manny Ramirez works a walk on a full count. This is essentially a waste of my time, as he’s not on my fantasy team to walk. It’s better than making an out, but so is a 2-run HR. I really could use the extra run production right now on my fantasy team, so that’s important to me right now.

Bottom of 1^st

Johnny Damon – Or shall we call him Judas? You can call him Ray Jay for all I care. He lays down a bunt to the left and reaches. Nothing makes me happier than seeing teams play small ball. Especially in the AL where it’s much less common.

Melky Cabrera grounds into a quick double-play to the SS. So we’ve now established that his mom can’t spell and he can’t hit.

Jeremy “Juicer” Giambi hits a quick grounder to first, inning done. Maybe he should try having that pituitary gland tumor back in. And Red Sox rookie pitcher Pauley is out of the inning with only 6 pitches. It’s like he’s facing the Cubs. Except that you can get the Cubs out for 2 innings on only 6 pitches.

Top 2^nd

Jason Varitek dribbles an easy grounder to first. Mark HATES him. Some of it is from the A-Rod/Tek brawl, some of it is from other reasons. But it’s awesome to watch a Sox game with Mark. Nothing is funnier than someone else’s blinding rage. Especially when it’s directed at a player that is quite well liked around here.

Mike Lowell - Could this guy BE any grayer? He’s like an old man out there. Really. Anyways…he hits an easy grounder that the SS boots, but is still given a single. Weird, considering he isn’t the home team. I kinda love the completely arbitrary scoring system in baseball. Hits, errors, strikezone, all of it. Most of the game is really up to arbitrary decisions.

Coco drags his at-bat out by fouling off tons of pitches. He builds up the anticipation and is about to see 9 in total. And then he just pops out to the SS. Right now all of New England has blue balls. I hate when a hitter does that. If you’re going to work the pitcher that well and see all those pitches, at least make decent contact. Otherwise you just look like an idiot. He does succeed in wearing out the pitcher a bit, but that’s all.

Bottom 2^nd

Gay-Rod and his big purple lips, Ks swinging. I don’t think any man in the world is hated more in Boston than A-Rod. Jeter is hated, but people seem to at least respect the guy on some level. Not A-Rod. Just pure hate around here.

During Andy Phillips’ at bat, you get a great comment by the Sox announcer Jerry Remy: “He was way out on his front foot, nothing left to do but drag the bat through the bat zone.” Aka, the hitting zone. Remy is always good for a few little mistakes. They amuse me.

Between innings there is a really annoying FoxWoods casino commercial. It involves a couple doing a little song number that brings in all the various attractions of FoxWoods, while making the claim that it’s bringing them closer together. But they do everything on their own. So the only couple event was dinner, which is at the very end and not really focused on. Pretty annoying. Thanks to Mark for bringing that to my attention.

Top 3^rd

Wong leaves a change-up over the plate and belt high to Ortiz. And right now some poor single mother in Jersey is wondering who just knocked on the door of her trailer hard enough to make a dent and then just took off. Manny follows him and rips one past the 1^st-baseman for a single. Better than a walk, but I’d still prefer a HR and an RBI or 8. With Manny running Trot Nixon smokes a line-drive directly to the 1^st-baseman for an easy double-play. Manny’s fantasy stats so far: 1-1 with a walk. It’s the fantasy equivalent of drinking Near Beer. It tastes like beer, but why.

Bottom 3^rd

Miguel Cairo, an ex-Cub. And because of that, he is blessed with a hit.

Judas manages to lift a weak fly ball to the LF. And with his girlish swing and noodle arms, getting it all the way to the left fielder on a fly is like a normal hitter cranking a 500-ft HR. The Juicer roids up and grounds sharply to the second baseman to end the inning. Wuss.

Top 4^th

Mike Lowell, first pitch, weak grounder to the pitcher. Now, knowing the pitcher’s thrown a lot of pitches, and they aren’t really hitting him well, why don’t you take a couple? It’s the 3^rd inning and he’s pushing 70 pitches. Take a few, run that count up, and get him out of there before the 5^th inning. Make them use up their bullpen and take advantage for the rest of the series. Mike Lowell is actually 1 of 2 people I will never be able to like after the 2003 NLCS series with the Cubs. He was one of the couple players that sank us. He comes off the bench for that huge pinch-hit HR after being hurt for pretty much the 2^nd half of the season. And he really came up with big hits in every clutch situation he was in. Jerk. The other person is Josh Beckett. That kid pitched out of his head that series.

Kevin Youkilis hits a weak grounder to SS to end it. This guy has the gayest batting stance I’ve ever seen. You really have to see it to get it. The only way he could be more gay at the plate is to go up there with a silk scarf around his neck and a champagne coolie in his hand.

Only 7 pitches that inning. Wasted opportunity by the Sox.

Bottom 4th

Posada hits a line drive off the wall in left center. Coco ran after that one until he hit the wall. Wasn’t even close to it, but he still felt the need to over-run it and let Manny get it on the bounce. And it’s not like Manny has some cannon of an arm and had a shot at getting him at 2^nd. It looks like he just ran after it completely ignoring any urge to pull up and play it on the quick hop off the wall. Reminds me of watching a high school game.

Robinson Cano, he’s primitive as can be. And he grounds harmless to first.

Top 4^th

Missed the first couple batters, but it’s my mom’s fault. Apparently my dad has a severely infected finger and is having surgery right now. So here is my summary of the “action”. Blah, blah, blah, E6, double-play to end the inning. Good enough?

And you know what; I’m done with this game. Kerry Wood is pitching tonight, so I shall now shift my attention and play-by-play to the Cubs game. Enjoy the gear shift and be thankful you’re not here for it.

Cubs @ Astros

We pick up the action in the bottom of the 2^nd. Which means Kerry is probably up around 75 pitches by now. And right on cue, he walks a guy. Okay, here’s my cheating version of the 2^nd:

Preston Wilson – Doubles off the wall in left.

Eric Bruntlett - Walks on a full count.

Wandy Rodriguez – He tries to lay down a sac bunt. And does. Kerry decides he needs to rifle it to 3^rd to get the runner there. And chucks it into left. 1 run scores and it’s still only 1 out.

Chris Burke – Kerry reverts to old form and gets behind him and then has to groove one. Drilled to right-center where Jacque Jones has to make a diving try at it. Misses it for a 2-run triple.

Lance Berkman – Jumps on the first pitch and lines it to RF. Luckily Jones can make the nice play at the wall to haul it in. Inning over, 3-0.

Whew.

Top 3^rd

Top of the order coming up, which means they didn’t do much in the first 2 innings.

Juan Pierre apparently grounded out to SS in the 1^st. Not surprising, as he’s become quite the expert on weak grounders to the middle infielders. Now he fakes a bunt, then tries to half-bunt the next pitch and looks stupid. But then he redeems himself by grounding out to first. I guess he thought he could catch that guy napping.

Ronnie Cedeno is possibly the skinniest guy in baseball. Non-pitcher, that is. He is going to make a hell of a SS once he gets some more experience. That time is not now and he flies lazily to right. 2 down without much of a struggle.

Todd Walker, who you may recall has the nick-name ‘Muzzle’. And from the look of it, he hasn’t shaved since warm-ups. He’s got a pretty good beard going, which only helps him to ground out to the SS right behind the bag.

Bottom 3^rd

Mike Lamb lashes the first pitch to right center for a single. The announcers had more of the dumb banter and act like they called that one by ending their long between hitters promo with ‘okay, now you can hit it’.

Preston Wilson blasts a double to the right field corner, another almost HR. Runner doesn’t score, but I’m getting a little nervous about how this is going to end for Kerry.

Kerry’s curve does look pretty good, but he’s still nowhere near where we need him to be. Which means he leans on the curve too much and just walks people. Like Bruntlett right now. If you can throw 95+, why throw so many curves? I’m glad he’s trying to become more of a pitcher and not just chuck fastballs every time, but if that’s your best pitch you gotta go with it.

Bases loaded for the pitcher with 2 outs. This has SportsCenter low-light written all over it. Luckily the pitcher swings like a girl. Nice 2-hopper to first to end the inning.

Unusual comment of the night award, tonight given to us by my roommate Anna. I tell her to make me some damn broccoli, as I haven’t had my daily does yet. She responds with, “If you keep this up every day, you’ll have healthier breasts than me!” Raise your hand if you get it. Exactly, no hands are up. Apparently there was a study done that eating broccoli can stave off breast cancer. I guess all that fiber and calcium is good for you. (Right now Hayley is saying “I knew that, I just didn’t want to raise my hand cause I wasn’t sure.”)

Top 4^th

Phil Nevin, the newest Cub! Traded a guy we didn’t want to Texas for a guy we may be able to use. Not right now, as he grounds out weakly. But maybe later he’ll do something cool.

Aramis Ramirez has been off to a slow start, but is showing signs of snapping out of it. And he responds by slapping a single to right to extend his hitting streak to 5 games. The real problem is that he doesn’t respond well to being the #1 slugger. We need to get Wu-Tang back to take the pressure off of him. Or get Nevin to hit for some serious power.

Bottom 4^th

Chris Burke taps a slow roller towards short. Spyder decides that he wants to make the awkward scoop and throw instead of letting Ronnie take it. He gets the out, so it’s all good. I know the convention is that any ball the third baseman can get to he can make the play on, but you have to use some discretion. And it’s not like he’s a Gold Glover yet, either.

Wood is only up to 67 pitches, but the bullpen is already going. Will Ohman, getting loose. Announcers: “Kerry is pitching tonight, instead of just throwing. That was always the knock on him.” Right on cue, he pitches himself into a long HR to right. I think I’d prefer if he went back to just throwing if this is pitching. And the announcers wondered why the ‘pen was up so early. Berkman’s HR, 425ft.

More “pitching” from Kerry results in another hard shot by Ensberg. Line-drive double off the left field wall, and that’s it for Kerry. 75 pitches, 4 ERs and a runner on 2^nd.

Luckily Ohman gets out of it quickly to end the inning.

Top 5^th

Jones nicely Ks on 3 pitches. If you’re going to suck, might as well suck quickly instead of wasting peoples’ time.

Hey, Henry Blanco hits a nice blast to left center off of the wall for a double. Chugging along with his catcher’s speed, too.

Neifi Perez, or as I like to call him, Neifi “Leave ‘em Stranded” Perez, manages to suck in every situation where a basehit would really help you. This AB is no different, as he lifts a lazy fly ball to short center field. Can’t even advance the runner to 3^rd, as that would have been useful.

Pierre does a good job of working the count and sees plenty of pitches. Exactly what you want your lead-off hitter to do. You’d prefer he actually get on base more often, but I guess that’s asking too much of Juan. He does get on this time with a walk.

Bottom 5^th

Rookie pitcher Carlos Marmol is in for his second big league appearance. He’s apparently got great stuff, so let’s see. Throwing 97 and looks like he’s got a big curve that’s low-80s. Not bad for a guy that was a catcher 3 years ago.

Preston Wilson strikes out on the aforementioned power curve. 82mph 12-6 curve right after a 97mph heater.

Marmol’s stuff is really good. Damn. I gotta wonder why he wasn’t brought up earlier. Gets Bruntlett looking at that nasty curve.

Top 6^th

Let’s see if we can’t rally with the heart of the order coming up and get a few runs. Hell, just get 1 run to get the ball rolling. If we can hold them right here all we have to do is score 1 run per inning and we’ll win in 10. I can live with that!

Muzzle apparently he didn’t get my memo and flies out to left.

We’re defiantly going to need Nevin to pick it up while D.Lee is on the DL. We’re in dire need of some power in the line-up. And as I type that he grounds out to second. Fantastic.

Spyder pops up down the first base line to Biggio. I’m just going to make my broccoli. I don’t even know what to say about what just happened.

It’s amazing to me how inconsistent this team is. We rock the Astros last night 8-0 to back up a near no-hitter by Zambrano. Then we come out here tonight and look like crap. It’s just not right. We’re not even really putting up a struggle at this point.

Bottom 6^th

The pitcher flies out to center. Still pitching, and apparently only on 3 days rest. Thus making our poor hitting performance even worse.

My broccoli is done, but I stay around long enough to watch Burke rip a single past the diving Cedeno. I think I’ll get up now.

In more important news, Anna’s friend Cady is back with her boyfriend Steve. They have one of those Elaine-Putty things going on where they break up and get back together often. This break-up didn’t even last 1 full day. It’s sad, but I don’t know Cady enough to really care all that much. But still sad none the less.

Marmol works his way out of some trouble to strand runners at 2^nd and 3^rd by striking out Ensberg looking. Close call, but with 2 strikes you really need to swing if it’s close.

Top 7^th

Okay, similar situation, but now we need 2 runs in one of these next 3 innings to stay alive for the 10^th. And the heart of the order went down 1-2-3, so I don’t have high hopes for the bottom of the order. Royals fans don’t have hope for any part of their line-up, but they still manage to win games from time to time so I guess anything is possible.

Fly out by Murton, in-field single by Jones, ground out by Blanco, and now Michael “Catfish” Barrett is up for Marmol. He is our best hitter, but there are 2 outs and he’s been sitting all game long.

And of course the announcers work in some brawl comments. They mention he spends a lot of time in the gym, which of course leads to boxing analogies like “think he does a lot of speed bag work” and “I bet all that weight lifting helped him with that haymaker he threw at AJ”. Idiots. Barrett grounds out to SS to end the inning. He bobbled it just to make it interesting, but still threw him out.

Bottom 7^th

One of our big free-agent pickups is in to pitch, Scott Eyre. Chubby leftie, and he does pitch well. It’s hard to say if he and Bob Howry were worth it, as we just haven’t had that many late-inning games for them to work in. When you lose over half of your games, it’s hard to say anyone was worth the money. Cause if you’re not going to be fighting for the play-offs, why go out and sign high-priced people for any position?

I really should stop eating salsa at this point. It’s 10pm and I’m over ½ done with the jar. My morning coffee doesn’t need to extra boost of a stomach full of cheese, chicken grease, and hot salsa to get things moving. In fact, eating this whole jar seems like really tempting fate.

Hayley called and made me miss a line-drive double-play. Ronnie to Nevin. Oh well. She’s working nights this week so I need to talk to her when I have the chance. Stupid Hayley.

So we go to the 8^th down 4-0. But the Astros are into their bullpen, so maybe we can get something going.

Top 8^th

We have 6 outs to score 4 runs. The top of the order is up, so this is as good as we can ask for at this point. The announcers sound about as excited to watch this game as I am. I still have faith we can pull this one out, but I just can’t get too pumped at this point. Juan almost gets me into it with a line-drive to center, but it’s caught for the out. It’s just hard to consistently score runs when you’re lead-off hitter has an OBP under .300. It completely screws up everything else. Pierre was supposed to fix our problems there, not make them worse. I’d rather have the old Corey Patterson back! At least he hit a HR once in awhile to go with all his strike-outs.

The 388^th fan at tomorrow’s game will be the 75^th million regular season fan in the history of the Houston franchise. That is what dominated the talk during Todd Walker’s AB. He walked, by the way. Nevin politely grounds to 3^rd on the first pitch to end it. No sense making this game any longer than necessary!

Bottom 8^th

Bobby Howry is in for what may be our last inning in the field. And now the announcers are talking about some stupid, ugly jacket that the on-field guy wore tonight. The coat is 2-0 so far on the season, so it got some real attention. I mention these things to showcase just how non-threatening the Cubs have been tonight. The booth is fresh out of ideas to spice up the broadcast. Actually, if it wasn’t for Kerry’s awful 2^nd inning where he had that error and gave up 3 runs, this would be a really good game. But it was and it isn’t.

And Howry is walking guys to add to the fun. Cause when you’re down 4-0 in the 8^th you shouldn’t just groove a few for fun. So what if they hit it. We’ve got 5 hits on the night, what are the odds we get 5 next inning?! Groove a fastball down the middle, drill the hitter in the thigh, anything except a walk! And now we get the fun of watching him try to hold the runner on first. Just let him steal second if he wants it. Pitch outs, pick-off attempts, what’s the point?!! I need to drink A LOT more if I’m going to watch these games all the way through. These are the ones I typically just pack it in and go to bed. But I thought it’d be fun to do this, and dammit I’m going to finish it.

I’ve officially muted the game to listen to music. I forgot how Janet Jackson’s “Black Cat” went, so I had to listen to it. And once I made that jump, I wasn’t going to go back. On the plus side, picturing Janet rocking out is quite nice at this point. I’d rather see that than this game.

Howry walks them full, but does get a strikeout with a full count to end it. Yes, it’s the bottom of the 8^th inning and he managed to walk them full and then go to a full count on the next batter. And it was a close pitch the hitter swung at, too. Had he took that, it may have been a ball. But like I said earlier, if you’ve got 2 strikes and it’s close you gotta swing.

Okay, now I need to figure out how to build up a play-list with Nero. I kinda like learning new software programs, but I don’t have a lot of patience right now to deal with it.

Top 9^th

Spyder is up to lead it off and is swinging like he should right now: for the fence. Down 4 runs with 3 outs to go, he should be trying to hit the ball to Mexico. He ends up flying out to right, but I appreciate his effort.

Murton does get an in-field single, which then allows Jones to strikeout without ending the game with it. He should buy Matt a new car for that.

Holy Cow!! Pinch-hitting John Mabry hits a double to strait-away center to score Murton from first! Up that stupid hill they have in deep center here. That ball would have been a 2R-HR in pretty much any other park. Oh well, at least the shut-out is gone.

I was just about to make the claim that if Catfish hits a HR here I’ll stop drinking for the rest of the week. Luckily I stopped myself, remembering that I still have a few more Cubs games to watch this week. Whew!! Of course he does just strike out to end it, so I would have likely been safe either way. At least they gave me a little bit of excitement there at the end.